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Midianlord
This is my zoo-cage, I'll throw faeces if I want to!
25.08.2015 (969 days ago)
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Misanthropia: Dreaming in Rust
by Midianlord ·
25-August-2015, 11:24 pm

So I'm aged 42, and have been so for 18 hours, 46 minutes now according to my trusty PC's tray-clock.

Fuck.

I've got nothing to show for it except possibly permanent ankle-tendon issues (looks like that San Fransisco Marathon record-time ain't gonna happen anytime soon, or even Soon(TM)), a falling-apart-from-rust 30+ year old car (Still runs like champ, though. Old Toyotas are cool like that.), the very real possibility that I'll have to seek out partially subsidised housing if I want to live in a new place that costs less than half my monthly income to rent that isn't a complete shithole in a neighbourhood where the weekend's entertainment consists of shoot-outs between rival youth-gangs.

I mean, I been living with family for a while now in a nice enough place, but that's not going to be able to continue for too much longer for a number of reasons.

"Low-rent" is one thing, but I got sick of fending off the..errrm...propositions for temporary business-arrangement..of the local "escort" (yes, really), in the last "affordable" shithole I lived in in 100 Mile House, BC.

(Along with getting knocks on my door at 04.00 from "clients" of the former tenant who didn't know he'd moved out, wanting to buy this weekend's drugs. Mustn't forget them, very diversified customer-base!)

Where did my life go?

Is this all I was meant to be? Just another quietly desperate workaday drone?

It wasn't always like that, was it?

Trucking used to be an honourable profession, didn't it? I mean, it was never easy, and you were never going to get rich doing it, but you could certainly get comfortable, if you managed the career it used to be wisely. Hell, I remember when trucking used to be fun.

My Mechanical Engineering Technologist 2-year diploma (broadly analogous to an Associates' Degree, to my Yank friends) --B+/3.46 GPA, thank you very much-- I got at age 35 isn't totally worthless. Is it? (We'll just leave aside the fact that I can't even remember the bloody quadratic formula anymore without Googling it.)

Hell, I'm officially Getting Old(TM) now, it's alright if I don't remember things as well as I used to. Isn't it?

Except that I have a very long memory.

This is one my curses, along with the ability to "tune in" to people, when most people just fucking disgust me more and more by the day, and when a lot of the people who end up finding me that I "tune in" to are irreparably broken and/or sociopathically self-absorbed emotional children --yes, some even older than me! (That bitch-child alcoholic I fell so comically, deeply far and hard for whilst I was back at S.A.I.T....She is almost seven years my senior, assuming she's even still alive. Fucking fuck!)

I remember each and every point at which every one of my dreams died, bit by bit, to this day.

I remember the faces and voices of those who killed them, and those who continue to poke at their corpses (I mean, really: Doesn't that smell start to bother even them, eventually?) to this day, every day.

I find more and more comfort nowadays in slightly --or even severely, sometimes-- rusty old things, especially when they have grossly over-powered engines, and most especially when these are Diesel engines. Old high-performance cars, old heavy-duty trucks, construction equipment, motorcycles, race-cars/bikes, what-have-you. Could be anything combustion-engine powered, really.

That "just right" quality of patina on them, it says to me:

"Someone had a dream, manifested in/by this now-beat-up old thing. They probably worked their ass off to get it, and kept working their ass off to keep it, and to keep it useful to them. It made them money/gave them pleasure/whatever....But what it really did: It physically realised their dream/s into life, at least in its time."

Example:

I used to have a 1991 Chevy light 1-tonne pick-up (IE, 1-tonne chassis and axles, 3/4-tonne springs, single rear wheels, and tyres), with the idea of starting a small hot-shot business with it. That never materialised, but what drew me to that particular vehicle...The overall look, even though it had a little rust and peeling paint already. The rake that it sat with when un-loaded (looked so fucking badass. I love the old-school, "high-and-square-shouldered" rake, like they did in the 1970s/early '80s before people started butchering cars for tubs and slamming them on the ground)!

It spoke to me, that old thing with the rust, peeling paint, 7.5 litre (454 cubic inches in American) petrol V8, non overdrive gearbox, and 10 mile-per-Imperial-gallon (at best, un-loaded) fuel consumption.

That patina, and that rake, that overall look:

"I am built to work. And now, I can work for you, as I have for others, and I can work in any way you dream up."

If I were to find another car --or heavy truck, on which more anon-- that wasn't perfect, I wouldn't do too much to it, cosmetically, assuming it wasn't in egregiously bad shape or structurally compromised. (I still have some standards left, OK?) Like I could afford that, in any case.

Because it simply doesn't feel right, to so prosaically erase the realisation of Heaven knows how many others' past dreams, especially knowing all too well what it's like to have my own dreams fucking walked all over by uncaring blinkered, self-absorbed cretins.

Those heavy trucks?

Yeah, I'm thinking more and more of getting into my own. There is absolutely zero freedom, respect, pride, or fucking anything good left in being a company fleet-driver. At least if I go broke in my own truck, then I have only to look in a mirror to know who to blame, instead of being fucking everybody elses' scapegoat for their unending cock-ups.

This guy in Red Deer, he has this '98 Western Star 4900 --one of the best-looking truck models ever, in my studied and not-inexpert opinion-- day-cab with a Cummins N-14 engine (450h.p., if memory serves?) and a 13-speed gearbox. 12,000lb/40,000lb axles, so about as bog-standard as 39,500kg-licensed-gross-vehicle-weight city/local P&D trucks get...Hell, it's even painted white, how much more pedestrian can one get?

But the look. Those old-style Western Stars are truly beautiful to me, and y favourite Diesel engine ever, and my favourite gearbox-type too! (18-speeds just don't feel as "solid," to shift to me, even though they are usually rated for much higher input-torque than 13s.)

That pedestrian old city truck, with something like 1.8mn km on it...It is speaking to me.

It won't stop speaking to me.

Does it want to be mine? I think, yes.

Perchance to dream again, and any rust (within reason, as stated) is welcome to stay a while.

Happy Birthday to me, I guess?

(No, the pic is not that exact truck, but looks almost identical.)

Comments
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  •  indian_summer: 
     

    The almost identical truck ... looks great :))) ....

     
     967 days ago·1 replies1 replies 
    0 points
     
    •  indian_summer: 
       

      Hey, I got 51 this year ... When I was 30 I got ill and since that I can't work under pressure anymore - and I loved my job! .... Always chin up ... Never give up .... And the dreams might change, but never stop dreaming ;) ...

       
       967 days ago·1 replies1 replies 
      1 point
       
  •  RonH: 
     

    Wow! That's a nice looking truck!

     
     968 days ago·1 replies1 replies 
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    •  Midianlord: 
       

      The old-style Western Stars have such a marvellous "functional panache" to them.

       
       966 days ago 
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  •  SecretCorners: 
     

    I was thinking of you today as I was out hiking the trails again.  I remember that time you mention about the woman and how it affected you afterwards.  I wish you could find someone; there are women out there that would be suitable for you; you are like me, you need to be with someone that is your intellectual equal otherwise, it just won't work.  I really do wish you could find that someone.

    Big Hugs. Big Hug

     
     968 days ago·1 replies1 replies 
    1 point
     
    •  Midianlord: 
       

      I think I know one such...She looks great in heels, and is very likely my intellectual superior by a not inconsiderable margin (I'm just fine with this, by the way --people who force me to use my mind and make it work = good thing)...Wink

      (Hugs back)

       
       966 days ago 
      0 points
       
  •  SecretCorners: 
     

    Happy Birthday Dan; you are not that old.

    Well, your diploma and £2.50 will get you a cup of coffee anywhere.

    I know what you mean about dreams.  I had dreams but they are dead, all dead. I might post the story again about what really made it all reality to me.

    If you can, make that last dream come real.  However, I know those trucks are not cheap, and the feels and taxes and fuel costs makes it difficult to keep it if you can buy it.

     
     969 days ago·1 replies1 replies 
    1 point
     
    •  Midianlord: 
       

      He wants CAD 8,500.00 for the truck, which I could afford soon, but...Yeah, you're all too right:

      Not so much as a single bloody bolt on those things is cheap, to say nothing of fuelling and insuring them.

      Oh, and cargo-insurance, too: If a truck with a fully loaded trailer/box has an accident such that the cargo is lost, then who would have to eat its value --anywhere from several thousands to several tens of millions, depending on exactly what it is-- if not insured? that's right, you, the carrier!

       
       968 days ago·1 replies1 replies 
      0 points
       
      •  diogenese19348: 
         

        So put together a spreadsheet of costs and see if the thing is feasible.  You clearly don't want to wake up age 52 and still be working for that company do you?

         
         966 days ago·1 replies1 replies 
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        •  Midianlord: 
           

          This sounds the right notion to me...Must remember to copy MS Excel over to this PC finally from my old one.

          All trucking companies are ultimately all the bloody same, some are just less blatant about it than others.

           
           966 days ago·1 replies1 replies 
          0 points
           
          •  SecretCorners: 
             

            Also check to see if the loads are going to be there; it sounds good but only if you are hauling loads; otherwise, you are just spending money and not making any.

             
             966 days ago·1 replies1 replies 
            0 points
             
            •  Midianlord: 
               

              Yup: "If your wheels ain't turnin' then you ain't earnin'," as the old saying goes.

               
               958 days ago 
              0 points
               
Misanthropia: Dreaming in Rust